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World domination really isn’t what it used to be. I remember (well… not TECHNICALLY. Mostly what I “remember” is from either movies or video games) when one army met another army in a specific location and whoever walked away alive now owned the others territory. No civilian losses (unless the conquering army was full of jerks), not much mess. What a simple time. Sort of. In reality, it’s the jerks who give world domination a bad name. But the jerks aren’t the only ones to change things. Modern society has changed the way we megalomaniacs should plan our conquests.

For example, coffee shops. Who would have foreseen such a divine gift being bestowed upon mankind?? No longer do our military headquarters need to have such drab colors and stoic atmosphere! They can be relaxing, laden with the aroma of coffee, with ample seating of the finest quality. And what better way to stay alert and energetic? While coordinating your battle plan, you can be sipping a delicious 12-pump-guarana-mocha-adrenal-failure-with-5-extra-shots. Better get the small, being catatonic is counter-productive.

We can also be more civilized. Who challenges others to duels anymore by hitting them with gloves? That’s so British Empire. Yawn. Too bad they didn’t have me around, I could have really helped them KEEP their empire. Nowadays, just lob a scone at the face of your nemesis. It’s a delicious way of asserting your awesomeness.

Another excellent tool is social networking. At no other time in history have so many people massed together in one “location”. Think of the recruiting possibilities! You know you already waste massive amounts of time on Facebook anyway, you might as well do something half-way constructive instead of taking a quiz on what vegetable you’re turning into. I mean, if you already have 500 “friends” as opposed to a life, they just might be more interested into banding together with you in conquest rather than being told “i stubbed my toe. oh noes!! O_o”

World domination has never been this easy. Were Napoleon alive today, he’d be drooling. And so am I. The new face of world domination is the Internet, headquartered with a laptop and a hot cup of heart failure in your favorite java-smelling addiction dealer. I am here to become known. Why are you here? Get up and do something with that MySpace layout you wasted hours on. The Internet is here to stay, and I aim to tame it.

It is the mission of Taylor Vogt to take over the world starting with the Internet. Join his forces through:
Blogger
Twitter
http://www.dominionator.com/

Is it not wonderful to have all the choices in the world? For many of us this is literally the definition of success, having the ability to choose. We all strive to steer our own boat, be master of our own destiny. But is this really true? Does having unlimited choices actually make anyone happy?

Having an infinite array of choices, not knowing which to choose, creates a great deal of pressure. However, the pleasure of having choices is quickly outweighed by the fact that which ever we choose, we are forgoing on so much of what could have been. I think this is why so many people who we would ordinarily think of as being extraordinarily lucky, are quite miserable. An example from my own personal experience, Nadia, the wife of a hedge fund manager, for whom I was commissioned to build a home, illustrates this beautifully.

Nadia was obsessed with design of the front door. The main entry, though representing only a fraction of a percent of the total cost of the home, is the focal point of the facade of the house. On the one hand it needs to blend in with the rest of the facade, but at the same time it must stand out enough to draw your eye.

The door can stand on its own, or it might have sidelights on each side as well as a window, or transom, above. The door can be painted, the same color as the rest of the trend, or in a different color. If this color in turn can be another shade of the trim color or an altogether different color. Alternatively, it can be stained, which implies a whole other list of possibilities relating to grain pattern, stain and level of sheen.

The appropriate choice of entry will not radically change our impression of the home, it will merely complete it. On the other hand, the wrong choice will be like a pimple on the nose of a beautiful woman, try as we may, we cannot take our eyes off it.

With this in mind, let us return to the heroine of our story, Nadia. Nadia, by nature hated to be held accountable for anything. Her two steady refrains were that she needed more hand holding and that she wanted to know who dropped the ball. In reality it was she who dropped the ball, but pointing this small fact out Nadia would only have provoked hysterics on her part.

On the matter of the door she sought whatever help she could, from whomever she could trouble to get it. She asked the builder(myself), she asked the architect, she asked the designer, she asked her friends, she even asked people she really could not stand; she even asked the postman. For months, each day Nadia drove around various neighbourhoods of the city looking at doorways. When she went on vacation with her husband, she looked at still more doorways.

The problem was that the more doorways Nadia saw, the more confused she became. Her friends were starting to find to her a bore, as she could talk of nothing else. She was completely obsessed. Nadia was slowly, but surely, going out of her mind, and all over this damned door!

Months went by, the seasons passed. Slowly, painfully slowly, the house progressed. Yet still a gaping hole remained in the front where the door was to be. A year later, after which I had long left the project, I happen to pass that way. The home was complete; a front door was in place. It was a mahogany door with a double panel design indistinguishable from any number of doorways of homes built in that area around that time.

The moral of the story is that the next time you encounter a beautifully dressed, perfectly coifed, woman riding in a sleek black SUV with her cell phone tight to one ear, wearing sunglasses and a stony expression, think hard about what victory in the great game looks like.

John Berling Hardy is author of the e-book “Have We Been
Played?- The Hidden Game Revealed.” The insights contained in
this series give you the Edge. To find out more about the carefully
guarded secret shared by all those who enjoy power and prestige visit
Have We Been Played.com.

My endocrinologist suspects I have sleep apnea. I say “my” endocrinologist as if we have some kind of relationship. I’ve spent only twenty minutes with this doctor, after first seeing my gynecologist, internist, naturopath, and acupuncturist. Let’s face it, when you are a middle-aged woman with symptoms of exhaustion, weight gain, and headaches, no one really gives a rip. But after complaining to enough professionals, I found myself on the verge of diagnosis.

When the scheduler at the sleep disorders clinic told me the first opening for an overnight study was June 13, my birthday, I realized it was a gift. This birthday was plain bad timing and I could skip it with the best excuse ever.

I prepared for an odd experience by coaching myself, “It’s not surgery. Drugs are offered. No one will force you to do chin-ups in front of your peers. No orange vest or old boyfriends. Being left alone in bed with three video cameras trained on you for a night? You’ve ignored much more than that.”

My husband drove me to the state-of-the-art clinic and delivered me into the capable hands of Janet. She had a clipboard. Her smock had one of those cheerful, bizarre patterns that lets you know healthcare is taking place. Janet would be monitoring me all night and she obviously knew her way around sleepy people. We need to be told exactly what to do, and we are very cooperative if you’ll just let us get in bed soon.

Janet showed me to my private room, which the literature describes as hotel-like. This was my first $1,200-a-night hotel-like room, and from that perspective it was a letdown. But fine, hook me up. Janet glued 20 electrodes to my head, legs, and chest; taped microphones to my chin and voice box; inserted a tube in my nostrils; placed belts across my chest and waist, and plugged me into the wall. I drifted off easily.

Sometime later I opened my eyes in the dark, knowing that somewhere nearby, someone knew I had just opened my eyes in the dark. Janet had assured me she could hear everything, so I gazed at the blinking lights on the ceiling and decided to try it out. Calmly I said, “Janet, I have to pee.” That woman was there in 5 seconds flat. On came the bright lights and off the wall came all the wires. Janet deftly tucked them into my belts and made me mobile.

Leaving the bathroom, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Wired tufts of hair! Yikes! And does this bomb strapped to me make me look fat? Then I remembered I had actually ironed my pajamas for this occasion. I’d thoughtfully chosen my favorite flannels and ironed them. So I’d look good. Happy birthday, honey, you’ve never looked more insane.

We arrived at wake-up time. Janet was impressed I had slept for seven hours without moving, so none of my wires had come loose. She said with sympathy, “You must have been really tired.” Yes, in fact, that’s why I’m here, I thought. Or maybe I said that out loud. Janet continued with a crowing of early morning information. She mentioned the guy on her watch last night who’d tossed around and unplugged himself eight times; and how, in the worst case she’d ever seen, a woman had slept only thirteen minutes all night.

I struggled to comprehend these dramas as I sat on the edge of the bed at 5:30 am while filling out the form she had thrust at me. I’ve never filled out a form immediately upon waking, and for all I knew I had just given Janet my house. Maybe she had a sideline bilking sleepy people. An excellent plan.

I was released into the large hotel- like hospital lobby and waited for my husband to arrive. I had showered, but found it impossible to shampoo out all the glue in my hair. Why hadn’t anyone mentioned this post-electrode residue? As I held a magazine in one hand, I absent-mindedly picked at a large piece of white goop, dragged it through my hair, examined it closely, and dropped it on the floor.

Suddenly I was alert and aghast. If I had witnessed someone else performing such a simian task, I would have gagged. Did anyone see me do that? I was still feeling watched. Maybe I WAS still being watched. The receptionist’s desk was a fair distance away and no one else was in the lobby at that hour, so I decided to try it out. Calmly I said, “Janet, I have to pee.” Nothing happened.

It may be weeks before I get the test results, so I will reflect on the lesson at hand: on one’s birthday, it is very important to amuse oneself.

Vicki Amorose is an award winning voice-over talent and copywriter.Listen to her demos or ask questions at http://www.voiceofvicki.com

Car insurance is a notoriously dry subject. As a matter of fact, if you were to walk up to someone at a cocktail party and say, “Hey, do you want to talk about some car insurance?” they’d probably look at you like you were crazy-then spend the rest of the night looking over their shoulder to make sure you’re not stalking them. Which is fun in its own way, but it doesn’t solve the problem of the misconceptions people have about car insurance.

Misconceptions? You betchya! See, car insurance isn’t nearly as dry as most people think it is. Just ask the claims agents that had to deal with these (real) car insurance claims!

1) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2) The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

3) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed for the embankment.

4) As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

5) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

6) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

7) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the car.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

9) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

10) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

11) The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

12) The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

13) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

15) The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

16) The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up, so I hit him again.

17) I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

18) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

19) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

20) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

21) My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

22) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

23) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

24) In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

25) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

26) On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

27) I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

28) I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

29) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

30) I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

Quotes found at InnocentEnglish and SlinkyCity.

Anthony M. Peck is the Senior Developer, Software Project Manager, and Director of Business Development for QuoteScout.com. For more funny car insurance quotes visit them on the web at http://www.QuoteScout.com.

After some discussion, Baur and Summers - or Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy, as they’re now known - decided it would be a good idea to dedicate a special day every year to speaking like pirates. They settled on 19 September, and for seven years they and a few friends would dedicate this day every year to speaking in pirate slang.

Then in 2002, after Ol’ Chumbucket and Cap’n Slappy enlisted the help of journalist Dave Berry, Talk Like a Pirate Day went global. Since then, this silly but fun holiday has gained popularity all over the world, with a growing number of people each year pledging to talk like a pirate for the day, either to raise money for charity or just for the pure joy of saying “arrrr” at the beginning of every sentence.

While it’s not mandatory to dress like a pirate on Talk Like a Pirate Day, or to hold a party, it’s certainly a lot of fun. Businesses are realising the PR potential of celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day, encouraging employees to take part and raise money for charity, while pubs and restaurants are taking advantage of the holiday’s growing popularity to host pirate themed nights and parties.

Creating a pirate costume doesn’t mean spending a fortune on fancy dress hire - the basic costume can be created by wearing baggy trousers tucked into boots, topped with a loose shirt and a wide belt.

To complete the look, you could add some pirate tattoos, an eye patch and earring, and a pirate bandana.

You could also carry a skull and crossbones wallet or a bag of fake coins (plastic pirate booty can also be used in treasure hunts and other pirate-themed games), a pop gun and a telescope.

Use a pirate toast stamper to emboss a skull and crossbones motif on bread before toasting it on an open fire using a BBQ sword, which looks just like a pirate’s cutlass and can be used for cooking all sorts of food on a barbecue.

You could leave a tin of pirate mints on every table - pirates are renowned for their bad breath, after all.

Keep the pirate theme going with some piratey games - you could even have prizes for the winners.

A pirate attack catapult is a fun game for a pirate party. This plastic gun-come-catapult flicks tiny plastic pirates a fair distance - you could offer a prize for the furthest shot, or for the pirate that lands closest to a target.

Clockwork pirate pencil sharpeners can be raced against each other (as well as sharpening pencils the pirate pencil sharpener, once wound up, walks across a table top or other flat surface). For a more watery game, more fitting to the high seas, try floating a few pirate devil duckies in a paddling pool and getting guests to sink them with missiles or catch them with nets (this is an excellent game for tiny pirates).

You could also devise a pirate-themed quiz, print out question sheets for each table, and for added effect add pirate pencil toppers - or devil duckie pencil toppers - to the tops of the pencils your guests will use to write down the quiz answers.

Old fishing nets, plastic fish, jolly Rogers and inflatable seagulls all help to add to the atmosphere at a pirate party.

Decorate tables with skull and crossbones drinks coasters, a nodding dashboard pirate and a battery operated talking Polly Parrot, who will repeat back anything your guests say.

You could also use chain bottle holders on each table; add a bottle of wine - or rum - and top with a sprinkling of dust for added effect. Use wine cork candles in empty wine bottles to provide atmospheric lighting, and add some pirate toilet rolls to the smallest room to keep the theme going.

Patricia Montana is a Texas born and bred gal who has been involved in Talk Like a Pirate Day since 2006. She recommends ShinyShack.com for pirate birthday gift ideas.

Edward Monkton is a persona created by British poet Giles Andreae, whose Purple Ronnie cartoon character - a stick-man figure who recites daft limericks - has for many years entertained the UK with his cheeky greetings cards. Purple Ronnie, whose poems often featured mild taboo subjects and language, also famously appeared in a TV advertisement for a well known soft drink.

Andreae’s Edward Monkton series features a range of characters with unusual and amusing personality traits, philosophies and stories, and these characters share their wisdom from a wide range of greetings cards, gifts and collectables.

The greetings cards in the Edward Monkton series are illustrated in a minimalist and almost childlike style, usually in black ink on a white background, and provide a witty and insightful commentary on life, love, happiness and the things in life that bring joy (for example chocolate, shoes and frocks). Many of the greetings cards are left blank inside, so they can be used for a variety of occasions.

Several Edward Monkton characters also feature in full colour as gifts and collectables, including a range of striking little lapel pins, cute cuddly toys and shaped, scented soaps.

Edward Monkton characters are utterly charming, rather mischievous, and sometimes make little sense and it is these qualities that make them so endearing and popular with consumers of all ages and backgrounds.

Some popular Edward Monkton characters include:

The Penguin of Death

Don’t be deceived by the Penguin of Death’s cute looks, he’s really quite deadly.

There are two things you should know about the Penguin of Death: Firstly, he is strangely attractive because of his enigmatic smile, and secondly he can kill you in any one of 412 different ways. The Penguin of Death is not to be messed with.

The Sheep of Destiny

The permanently cheerful and oh-so-talented Sheep of Destiny wears a broad smile because he sees your future - and oh, how HAPPY shall that future be!

The Pig of Happiness

The Pig of Happiness wears a cheeky grin which stretches from ear to ear, and his motto is: “May his joyful smile remind us how much there is to be HAPPY about” - a message we could all do with remembering, from time to time!

Rock Pig

Rock Pig wears a black leather jacket and shades, and he doesn’t like disco, dance, ambient, trance, R&B or soul - he’s only interested in heavy duty rock ‘n’ roll!

The Cat of Glory

The Cat of Glory is a wondrous sight. For it has been written: “And there shall come amongst them a Cat of such GREAT GLORY that all who see it will be sore amazed and marvel at its splendour.”

Patricia Montana is a Texas born and bred gal who enjoys the humour portrayed in Edward Monkton gifts and greeting cards.

Gone are the days of innocence, gone are the days of teenagers running happily through fields of long grass in white petticoats or playing football nicely in the local park.

Not that any of this was ever really true, in more recent years, but I want to exaggerate the point; teenagers are just not the same any more. I’m actually inclined to believe that the teenage years, as I knew them, are ceasing to exist. The awkward stage between childhood and adult hood, the years of angst, the school nights spent indoors on the phone to your friends - there just seems to be much more going on now.

Surely, when you are a teenager you are meant to think that you are rebelling, but not actually, properly (seriously break the law) rebel! When I was at school, smoking out in the orchard was about as bad as it got. There were the odd few that would really test patience but it seems that the teenagers of today are much more ballsy or just more obsessed with being ‘2 cool for skl’.

The majority of teenagers seem to push the boundaries now - late boozy nights, bunking weeks (not days) off school - choosing instead to hang around outside Tesco for hours on end or skip from festival to festival in massive groups, drinking way too much for even a large 40 year old adult male to handle, and just generally abusing themselves.

It’s not that teenagers have never rebelled, of course they have, surely that is the point. But the lengths at which kids are willing to go to now, and the number of kids that are willing to go to these lengths has grown enormously. It’s not just what they are doing, but their appearance also. So many teenagers, just simply, 100% do not look their age; they all look at least 3 years older than they are.

Whether this is just nature - the idea that generations are gradually getting taller - maybe, they are also beginning to look older when they are, in fact, young. Or its the amount of make-up that they wear, their uber trendy hair styles, the fact that fashion seems to be much more accessible to the younger generations now?

Without exposing the embarrassment of my youth too much and at risk of sounding, like totally, ‘uncool’ - I had absolutely no idea how to dress myself in an acceptable way until I was about 17 and if I’m being completely honest, maybe even older! It is possible that I was the only teenager that has ever had this problem, I wouldn’t have called myself normal then (or even now, for that matter) but I just wasn’t really aware of what was going on around me, added to that I didn’t really care!

It’s a whole different ball game now, in what seems to be a race to have the best hairstyle, clothes, boyfriend/girlfriend, music taste, film collection… the list is endless.

Maybe then, that is the problem, the younger generation are becoming a lot more aware of themselves at a younger age; what they look like, who they are, what they want to do and particularly, why they shouldn’t be allowed to do certain things.

I guess then the question is why? I blame myspace. Well, not solely, but partially. Myspace and the internet and any social media/networking site available to teenagers, or anyone that can read well enough to fool the “please click here to confirm that you are over 18″ button.

There is so much material, information, music, clothing (just everything) available now, and to everyone that no wonder kids are becoming more aware at a younger age. Sites like myspace encourage peer pressure and a pressure to be and look a certain way, encourage kids to want to try things younger because, well, ‘that person is doing it, why shouldn’t I’?

No wonder the youth of today are turning into the vagabonds that they are. Obviously this is not the only reason, but I would say it is a large part. So the next time you jump on the band wagon to blame the bad parenting, take a long hard look at that beautiful and efficient piece of technology that is now glaring you in the face!

Patrick is an expert Research and Travel consultant. His current interest is in Heathrow Meet and Greet Parking, Belfast Off-Airport Parking and Glasgow Long Stay Parking

Is it just me, or are they everywhere these days? That cute little dog down the street, strutting around without a care in the world, mocking us. At first it was the dog sweater. And then came little capes. And now, oh god, and now, dog shoes. They’re as silly to me as those dogs who get their heads stuck in buckets and crash into things. Only this is no accident.

Dog shoes don’t belong. They defy nature and they have no purpose. Some people buy these ridiculous things to protect the interior of their home. They actually bend over to fasten 4 shoes on a dog before the dog comes inside the house. Some people buy these things because they think they’re cute. I won’t go there.

But you see, dogs don’t need dog shoes. Nature has already given dogs shoes. They’re called paws. They are thick and durable padded feet that allow them to walk on virtually anything without getting hurt. Anything that would pierce a dog’s paw would probably also pierce a dog shoe. Hence the absurdity.

The only borderline plausible excuse for buying such things is to take your dog hiking on some pretty rugged terrain. If your dog has sensitive feet and it can’t quite last on a decent hike, then fine. I get that. It’s still weird but I get that. Or if your dog is one of those tragic creatures with no back legs who has to pull itself around on a little wagon, then I can justify this too. But normal dogs living in the city or suburbs should have more self respect, and their owners should have more decency.

But the biggest crime is not how stupid those dogs look. It’s the fact that there are people in the world who don’t have shoes. And the absurd thing is that not only do dogs not need shoes, they don’t need four of them. Where a poor kid might get by with a single pair, even the smallest of dogs needs two pair. Now I’m not usually one to tell others what to do with their hard earned cash, but people buying such things may need to read the news and have a reality check.

Yes my friends, something is wrong in the world. But I am not married to my hatred of dog shoes. If someone could show me how they don’t breach the indelible laws of nature, I’d be all ears.

Tom Fazio is a webmaster and Shanghai martial arts Instructor. He also writes articles on the benefits of micellar casein protein powder and has a deep hatred for dog shoes.

Today, moreso than any time in history, it is important to embrace the sexy and masculine subculture of car pimpin. Frankly there is just too much competition among men for women, and driving a chick magnet is not just recommended, it’s essential if you intend to get anywhere. But if you had the money to pimp it right, you probably would have. Fortunately for all you scrubs out there, there are low cost ways of doin it right.

The first thing ya’ll scrubs need is rims. If you don’t have rims, you won’t catch the fly honeys. I promise you that. But rims ain’t cheap, and they certainly aren’t going to be cheap to replace if someone ganks one. What if I told you that you could get a rim job for under 50 bucks? I’m talking bout all four rims for under 50. Here’s how. Head to the grocery store and buy yourself some aluminum foil and duck tape. Work with the wheels you already have, just remove the hubcaps. Rap the wheel spokes in aluminum foil and tie it off with duck tape. Presto, a satisfying rim job for super cheap.

The second thing you scrubs need is some bass. You want those honeys to see your rims, but you want em to hear you coming first. And nothing makes a boo feel better than some loud bass kicking gangsta in her ears after she’s made the leap and takes your ride. This, unfortunately, may not be super cheap. But it can be relatively cheap. You’ll have to dish out for a couple of sexy looking speakers that sit down by your hips or ankles. These are the money speakers, and all for show. Then you’ll need to break in to your high school, college, or neighbor’s house and steal some things. Real speakers are best, but computer speakers work well too. You stuff your trunk full of them and wire them all together. Presto, you’ve got yourself some bumpin bass.

And the final step, for the truly hardcore or desperate scrubs out there, is to add hydraulics. If your honey hears you coming, sees your sexy new rims, and then has the gall to look away, you’ll need some eye popping car bouncing fanciness to pull her back in. Now I’m not a scientist so I don’t know how to fake hydraulics for cheap. This one truly separates the playas from the posers. If you can afford hydraulics, by definition, you are pimp. But heck, I’ve saved you enough money on the bass and rim job, you ought to be able to fork over a little green for some decent hydraulics.

So for all you playas out there, I hope this helps. And remember, there is more to life than appearances. But most of the time, life is only about appearances. So if your car ain’t pimp, you ain’t pimp.

Tom Fazio is a webmaster and tractor tire lover. He’s always on the lookout for discount tire dealers, cheap automotive tires online and used farm tractor tires.

We all need to shake things up from time to time and farmers are no exception. They spend most of their time working the land and living the simple life. And this is great. But farmers need love too. And if they ain’t getting it, perhaps it’s because their tractors aren’t very sexy. So here are a few tips on pimping your tractor so as to make you more sexually desirable to women who like tractors and women who may not like tractors.

The first step in pimping your tractor is naturally to add some rims. These are the first things your cowgirl will see and they need to be impressive. The only problem is that tractor wheels are monstrous and dishing out for some chrome could run you a couple hundred thousand dollars. If you’ve been farming soybeans you can probably afford it. If you’ve been farming cotton then you may want to consider aluminum foil and duck tape. Buy 20 or 30 things of aluminum foil and several rolls of duck tape and go to work. Try to make the foil smooth so it doesn’t look like a cheap rim job.

After your honey peeps your rims, she’ll want a ride. So the next thing you’ll need is some bass. Get a subwoofer and a couple quality speakers, the kind that the neighbors will hate. You can blare your Garth Brooks and rock the farm. There are few farmers with the courage to add a bit of bass to their rig, but trust me, the chicks dig it. Just imagine how much easier that farm work will become when you’re rocking your Garth and you’re riding your new rims. Who cares if work gets done, you’re keeping it real.

The next big step, and this is only for those for whom the first two steps did not result in a new wife, is to add hydraulics. Hydraulics, pardon my bluntness, are pimp. But this is really only for the hardcore. Imagine yourself out there, farming and stuff, and then you look over and there she is, your future wife. But she doesn’t know it yet. She needs convincing.

She sees your rims. She hears your Garth. But she still ain’t biting. It’s time for the big guns. Flip the switch and start bouncing baby. Her eyes will be on nothing else. But a note of warning, tractors roll over sometimes, and hydraulics may contribute. Make sure you have a roll cage and a seat belt. But don’t wear the seatbelt, cause safety is weak sauce. Kick the bass.

Tom Fazio is a webmaster and tractor tire lover. He’s always on the lookout for discount tires, cheap online tire prices and farm tractor tires for sale.